Three levels of friendship.

So this may shed a little insight into why/how I think/react in certain situations. I believe I have had this mentality towards friendships and relationships for a while now. Maybe during or post Katherine days. But after fleshing it out, other nuances have presented themselves. BUT that'll be for another day. Today will curate the illusions of confidence and the state of equilibrium.

ps. This photo is pretty much the three levels perfectly demonstrated.

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Level Zero

"Hey, Hi, Hello Person."

I don't believe this classification of social interactions would count as friendships, but they do play an integral rule in the formation and continuation of communication. These "friends" are the people that you're forced into seeing more often than maybe you'd like. Those people at work that you can say hello to and not feel as though they just judged your entire being. These folks you see, you maybe talk to for a bit throughout the day, have no real interest in ever seeing them outside the normal situations and maybe even say goodbye to after the shift.

Basic communications. Basic interactions. Definition of surface level knowledge of one another. BUT they can be used as a talking point to all the other levels of friendship. Positive or negative.

Level One

"Friends-of-friends."

Maybe the best way to categorize these friends would be, if you've ever been in a group chat with a bunch of people; the numbers you don't have saved would be level one friends.

You either like these people and want them around more for patio szn (sad days) or you're completely comfortable with where they are within your day-to-day. Conversations with these friends are easy, basic and usually shorter. These are the people that you maybe drop your birthdate to, favourite color or why you're at where you're at physically. Simple.

Whether its you or the person you're talking with, it is safe to say that "friends-of-friends" are literally just there to act as party filler. It's the whoever you care about who has interest in knowing them more. Or because they're close with whoever is the most popular at the gathering. Nothing wrong with that. Level One friends are needed. If you're starting a party, filling a table or if you don't want to show up alone. This is where L1 friends come in clutch.

Level Two

"Everyday Pal."

These are the friends that you strive to see outside of normal settings. Have a recent conversation with them on iMessage, Instagram or wherever. These people know more than most about you. But maybe where I struggle with this phase is putting up enough walls that possibly secrets or manipulations begins to formulate. Never on purpose but whether it be for protecting my mind or heart, I'll leave certain aspects out of what's happening internally to avoid attention or potential conflict.

I think the potential conflict is the biggest threshold I need to overcome to my friends within this category. For the most part I wont state what boundaries I have, talk constructively towards the other nor bring up deep seated issues or problems I may be facing. Maybe through selfishness, I use these friends as a distraction to avoid the feelings of anything besides right now. It usually works. Both sides are happy. We laugh. We go our separate ways. Text each other. Buy each other back from the Gulag. Win/win.

Mentally and physically I need these friends. Toronto has taught me that this type of person are few and far between, but for those I actively try to talk to or whichever, thank you for being my friend.

Level Three

"The Best Friend."

I think this is where my insight and rational abilities get tested for the better and even for the worse. Id say I put foundational interest in the emotions and the opinions of these friends within my life. Long term, it has been both great and detrimental for myself and the relationship. I care, they obviously care but I seem to lose myself in them.

Im thankful for having such strong minded best friends throughout this journey, but I do know that I can be too much to deal with at times. And the unfair attributes that I can bring to the table, are the reason for the erosion. But, I do know it also is not just me. Maybe backtracking a bit, but when I care so much for someone, I convince myself that I am fragile. And because I am fragile, my boundaries shouldn't exist and I shouldn't communicate situations that make me uncomfortable. Because I am fragile, the relationship is fragile. Creating situations of potential great or terrible outcomes.

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I am grossly oversimplifying the spectrum of friendships here. Within my mind it isn't this black and white. Just as romantic Seattle novels will tell you, there's many different shades of grey.

But what I am learning, and trying to get under my feet as a forever mentality, is to allow the open communicative techniques to make sure my own personal boundaries are stable within the relationship. That begins with my misunderstanding of anger specifically, but can spread into happiness and ego. Once again, I wish I could just be like fuck it. Tell the ones I care about everything that I feel. And not just the good, but also the bad. But I am scared of bringing up criticism because I lack the confidence in myself to KNOW that they will take it well. Take it well, potentially change but most importantly, understand they wont just get up and leave my life. Because for some reason to me, those I am emotionally attached to at the highest level are always thin line away from leaving.

Mommy issues and daddy issues may be the reasons for that, but at the end of the day it would be my choice to continue to use that as an excuse. Todays about growth. Todays about enjoying what I can control, letting the out of control figure itself out. Maybe not deciding on what the outcome can or should be, but understanding that there are multiple directions to be taken. Smile today. It was thirty degrees this afternoon! Wild.

But for L2, L1 and L0 friends, they don't know enough to be concerned. And I don't care enough to make them concerned. So not only easing the load from my own mind to the minds of my best friend, there could be an opportunity to ask for help from those who can care. But, that once again requires a confidence in myself and the internal collapse of many stigmas.

One day though. Seeking for an answer in a situation where only part of the question is revealed. Takes time. I'll figure this one out.