Relying too much on distraction.

To deal or not to deal. Distraction can act as a mediator in this mental dilemma.

Middle child syndrome is one of the funniest memes I've ever related with, yet it is so true. My brother would live his life, and my younger sister would get the attention from both parents. Love them all, but when I needed help or acted out, the attention would be directed elsewhere. WHICH IS FINE! Long run I feel being individualistic within the home has taught me many lessons. Such has finding value in distraction.

My greatest vices in life have formulated from my dependence on my adolescence distractions; work, sports, friends, and memories.

Work has always been the easiest way to bring myself into a state of joy, even competition. I remember my first job I ever had was when I was nine-years old. I was a paper boy. Myself, brother and dad would wake up around 5:30-6; organize the advertisements; roll em; and drive around door to door throwing bundles of papers at strangers doors. Not sure how much I'd get paid but I remember feeling like the wealthiest nine-year old at the ice rink before hockey practice when I used my OWN money to buy a bag of chips and an iced tea in the change room vending machines.

This has followed me into my early twenties. Transforming from who could wrap more advertisements faster or who could throw the papers further during deliveries to; who can sell more shoes with the most accessories with the highest ADT at Nike. Having this joy in friendly competition let my mind wonder away from the issues or negativity happening outside of my being. In settings of work, in professional environments; you cannot allow what's happening outside the store affect your performance. Though it does sometimes, there has to be a push to avoid them to stroll through that door.

For eight hours of the day, the distraction keeps you focused and busy enough to smile through the challenges that are directly in front of you. It's amazing.

"Happiness is a how, not a what." - Hermann Hesse

Sports are another great distraction to avoid negativity within my mind. Obviously playing them was infinitely better than watching them, but even on the TV I could be so enthralled for the next play. Sports in general have always had a massive impact on my life. From; being six-months old sitting on the couch watching baseball, learning to ride a bike when I was two-or-three, competing in soccer and hockey, skiing maybe a little too hard, running and throwing for track teams, rugby, football, volleyball, basketball. Whenever I wasn't in class, I would always make sure to be occupying my free time with some sort of sport.

But sadly the hoop dream had an end date. So working out and the occasional running spell became my sports of choice. Of course watching most games of most sports. Even for an hour or two, I could be in awe watching modern day warriors or if playing; I could feel like I weightless with happiness flowing through ever part of my being. Unless it was a Patriots game. Because then fuck Brady and I'm cheering for whoever they're playing against.

The little things of sports had massive impacts on my mind. And even for that short little times between the first whistle to the last. I knew that I could feel the energy of competition and passion.

Friends are another amazing distraction that filled the spaces in my mind. Weird flex, but I've never had issues making and keeping friends. Laughing, talking and listening to stories from my friends created immense joy and excitement for me. Obviously for everyone this is what friends do, but maybe since at times I think I'm unique, I felt as though my friends carried so much more weight in my life compared to most.

Whether it was throwing rocks at trees, walking to the beach, having three too many beers at cactus or playing cards against humanity; the people I surrounded myself with could create the necessary fill in my heart to let go of what's happening and just live in the moment. To laugh, make others laugh or even cry about how much we've changed each others lives. Friendships could always be there for me, even when I wasn't there for me.

Memories. The slipperiest of all slippery slopes. Memories of good reminiscing on adventures shared with others or alone can attract positivity. Group therapy in remembering is always safer and potentially more enjoyable, but even in your alone time, it creates joy.

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So what distractions do I have during the era of COVID-19. Fucking minimal. Everything that I have used to create a foundation of moving forward, decision making and even mental neglect; has collapsed in its entirety.

Sports are cancelled; friends are stuck at home; work is closed and I'm left with memories. Memories of Brady losing another Super Bowl, laughing with Gia and Cris, holding the latest shoes and even what it was like to have Simone around. Memories are great! But being stuck in the thoughts of yesterday, makes today seem gloomy. Thats entirely on me. Because now I have to deal with the issues I've decided to bury and neglect.

On the bright side; maybe thats best for me. To face the problems head on to avoid the act of exploding when everything get too hard again in the future. As someone once told me, life is about choices and the choices never stop, as life never stops. So in an act of productivity, I have chosen to find "distraction" in trying to find peace within myself.

"To study the self is to forget the self." - Dōgen

This pandemic is teaching how and when to run, walk or turn away from the problems I can and should deal with. With great challenges, the act of loving me for me because of me is slowly becoming more clear. It still may be as clear as the Frasier but maybe it'll eventually become Ambleside.

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Distraction is still important. I wish my friends could come over and talk with me. I wish I could see LeBron drive up the court. I wish I could talk about the difference between ZoomX and Zoom foams. But I have to accept what I can control, thrive in my control and get my head back on my shoulders. It will happen. Just takes a bit of time to be great.